The Upper Crust

Posted: July 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Alright, here’s the thing: Why the hell would anyone eat Blowfish? WHY? It’s no secret they’re made of poison, and even eating the “good bits” carries about a 30% chance of fatality. Sooner or later, eating Blowfish will grant you the pleasure of a gastronomically agonizing death.  I love diversity almost as much as I love food, but Blowfish aside – some of the things we call delicacies are just foul. Nasty, bad, vile,
evil, donkey-testicle rancid. And when our pampered and overfed socialites eat this stuff, it’s usually done with a pompous “Oh, you and your lowly, unrefined palette” style sneer.

Does Francois McFoofy even realize he’s eating bad cheese full of maggots?
From our love of watching people eat grosseries on TV, we’ve come to learn that pretty much everything is a delicacy somewhere. What they neglect to mention, however, is that by “delicacy,” they mean barely edible, but contains enough nutrients to keep desperately starving people alive for one more day, food-borne bacteria notwithstanding.

As long as something has less than a 90% death rate, some wannabe connoisseur will
snarf it down, suppress their gag-reflex and in superior, patronizing tones attempt to
discern the bouquet of delightful and intricately-sharp flavors.  You leave some fatty gristle on a rib or some slimy skin-blubber on a chicken wing in the lunch-room, and seven people gasp in outrage, claiming, “That’s the best PART!” And god forbid you express distaste at your parents’ war-rationed bread and dripping stories.

Based on this logic, I’ve decided to open a high-class restaurant, to make use of some of the things laying round the place. The trick is:

1 – Make it nasty.
2 – Give each dish an exotic name.
3 – Claim it’s a favorite among Albanian peasants.
4 – Charge a fortune for really, really small portions.

That being said, allow me to present the appetizer menu at Casa de Cox:

~~ Smoky Javanese Shellagoise ~~
A delicately bittersweet used coffee filter canapé, marinated among eggshells, shrimp shells and tobacco ash, in the nurturing organic environment in the lower reaches of the refuse container.


~~ Cultured Cheveux ~~
Fragrant, jellified hair cakes, formed in bite-sized biscuits about the size of a bath-plug, and soaked in our chef’s secret sauce for months.
Warning – may contain Drano.


~~ Cheese Covered Chips ~~
Crunchy and delicious salty chips, made from the humanely-separated and air-dried heel skin of free-range bipedal hominids. Smothered in the natural cheese found between toes, this mouth-watering treat will probably give you an orgasm.
And for the daring, our chef recommends the chunky, fiery and organic Blood
Blister Salsa.


Bon Appetit!!!


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